How To Not Mistake Your Loved One As A Bad Guy And Then Shoot Them

By Jacob Paulsen | December 11, 2024 |

If you have been through any gun safety course ever you have probably heard a variation of an industry-standard safety rule along the lines of “Know Your Target and Beyond.” This safety rule makes sense and we all inherently understand that we shouldn't fire our guns at things we can't identify but when we feel our lives may be in danger we act instinctively.

Why This Is a Challenge

Over the last several years I've told my students they have to avoid shooting at the 3 S's. We should never shoot at shapes, shadows, or sounds. All three may seem spooky or really cause us alarm or panic but none of them are identified threats. As I stated in the last paragraph, however; at the moment this can be easier said than done. So the objective must be to minimize our odds of being in the situation where we feel compromised relative to the safety rule.

Your odds of your home being involved in a home invasion are 1 in 34 each year. Americans are justified in being afraid of violent intruders after all 26% of home robberies become violent crimes (266,560 per year). That is roughly 1 every 2 minutes.

When the heart is pumping and we think we face an imminent threat we leap to conclusions or we find ourselves in situations where we don't have the time to properly identify our threat before we feel we must engage.

Further, an analysis of the 35+ news stories below, suggest that sometimes our own family members do things that we don't expect. They come home when we think they are traveling or at school. They sneak through a window because they forgot their key or they don't want to be seen. They bang on the door or try to force their way in because they are angry or confused.

My point with all of this? I get it. Sometimes bad things happen and we are all subject to making mistakes. HOWEVER, in almost, if not every incident I've reviewed (see below list) the incident could have been prevented if a small number of simple tactics had been followed. My intent is to review those tactics in the hope that the rest of us can prevent such a tragedy from turning our lives upside down.

Key Tactics and Attitudes

Do Not Go Looking For the Intruder

I use the phrase “Isolate The Family And Defend the Room” (IFDR) when I describe to my students the best core home defense strategy. Sadly it is overly simplistic and doesn't perfectly address every potential situation.

All the same, several of the situations I've studied would have been avoided if the gun owner had chosen to not go in search of the sound they heard. That might sound ludicrous. After all when you are relaxed in your home and suddenly hear an unexpected noise in the garage or the basement the most natural thing is to go investigate. After all the odds of there being a real intruder are low, right?

That may be but going toward the sound or shadow puts you in a situation where you may feel that you do not have a safe means of retreat or really any option other than shooting toward the dark shape. In our Complete Home Defense training program, we spend over an hour talking about fortifying safe rooms, defending safe rooms, and what to have in a safe room. If you really think there is someone in your home who doesn't belong there, shelter in a safe room and call the police.

Lock All Your Doors and Windows

If a family member catches you off guard because they came through an unlocked door or window, that would have been easily preventable. When you are home, lock your doors and windows. If a friend or the in-laws decide to pay you a visit they will need to knock or ring the doorbell.

Take a Position of Cover

There are several incidents below in which someone felt compelled to shoot through a door as a potential attacker was coming through that door. Picture that in your mind. The gun owner has positioned themselves on the other side of the door such that the door is the ONLY thing between them and the potential attacker.

When the door is breached in any way the gun owner becomes vulnerable and feels they need to shoot to survive. This happens because of poor tactics. If you hear banging on the door turn on the interior lights, use verbal commands, AND PUT SOME COVER BETWEEN YOU AND THE DOOR.

RESOURCE: Fighting From Cover With Unconventional Shooting Positions

Good tactics are doing things that maximize your odds of surviving an incident and your odds increase when you put more space and better cover and concealment between you and your potential attacker. Side benefit; if it turns out to be your drunk son or neighbor you will have a few moments to identify them as such before you feel that you are forced to start shooting.

Use Light To Your Advantage

It can be difficult to identify your threat in the dark, but in the light not as much so. Turn the lights on. You can flip the switch on the wall or you may have smart home features that allow you to turn on lights remotely via an app on your phone.

Seems a little extreme? Ok, then use a flashlight. There are arguments in favor of and situations in which both weapon-mounted and handheld lights can be used to one's advantage and understand that it is fully irresponsible and dangerous to fire at a target you have not yet been able to identify. So use a light.

When I tell students to turn lights on in a life-threatening encounter I almost always hear the counter-argument “but then the bad guy will see me and know my position.” While that is true keep two things in mind:

  1. You can take a position of cover when you turn those lights on. They may see you and know your position but you have dictated the terms of the encounter when you choose to flip the lights on.
  2. Odds are high, that most criminals are going to attempt to flee and disengage when the lights go on. They are generally NOT looking for a fight but for an easy victim or little to no resistance.
  3. And most relevant to this article, turning the lights on will allow you to see if your potential attacker is, in fact, your daughter who was sneaking around the house that night. I would say that is an important piece of information.

Use Verbal Commands to Deescalate Situations And Identify Threats

Perhaps the most critical thing we can do to minimize the risk of shooting someone who poses no legitimate threat at all is to use verbal commands. It can be difficult to hear through a closed door but if your potential attacker can hear you and they pose a real threat, they are likely to retreat in order to avoid risk. If it happens to be your brother in law who magically decided to come stay with you every few years then they are likely to respond and let you know they don't want to get shot.

Consider and even practice using a few simple commands that are short and clear such as:

Identify yourself, I'm armed and prepared to defend my home

If you come through this door / up these stairs / into this hallway I will shoot

Police are on the way and I'm armed

Don't you think your brother-in-law, or your brother who is planning to jump out and play a prank on you, will rethink their plan when they hear you shout really loud that you are armed? It certainly can't hurt.

Manage Expectations with Other Occupants and Guests

Several incidents listed below involve roommates or visiting family who were frankly unaware that they were breaking the safety protocol expectations of the gun owner they were sharing a home with.

When you have more people in your home you need to update or establish your response plan and protocols. You may not be able to respond to a bump in the night the way you normally would knowing you have additional guests in the home.

In addition to your response plan needing adjustments, there may be some things you want to communicate to your guests. It may not make sense to brief them on their role in an emergency or run some drills upon their arrival, but you certainly can tell them that they shouldn't come and go after a certain hour of night or that should they need something after others are asleep they should turn on certain lights in the home or do whatever else is needed to help you identify if there is a potential threat in the home.

Children, spouses, and roommates need to know you are armed and that you will respond to strange sounds and shadows. They need to know why you keep all windows and doors locked.

Examples of Incidents We Are Trying to Avoid

I decided to compile some news coverage of incidents of people mistakenly shooting a friend or family member who they thought was an intruder or attacker. There are more than you might think and while in the grand scheme of things, it is relatively few incidents given the number of Americans who have a firearm for self-defense; each of us should do whatever is necessary to ensure we do NOT end up on this list:

About Jacob Paulsen

Jacob S. Paulsen is the President of ConcealedCarry.com. For over 20 years Jacob has been involved as a professional in the firearm industry. He values his time as a student as much as his experience as an instructor with a goal to obtain over 40 hours a year of formal instruction. Jacob is a NRA certified instructor & Range Safety Officer, Guardian Pistol instructor and training counselor, Stop The Bleed instructor, Affiliate instructor for Next Level Training, Graduate and certified instructor for The Law of Self Defense, TCCC Certified, and has been a Glock and Sig Sauer Certified Armorer. Jacob is also the creator of The Annual Guardian Conference which is a 3-day defensive handgun training conference.

View all posts by Jacob Paulsen

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7 Comments

  1. Troy L. Upshaw on September 24, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    IFDR-BS. My safe room is my house. All inside the house are safe unless you are an intruder. I WILL NOT cower in one room while thieves ransack the rest of the house. I WILL defend myself and my family and protect my belongings against danger or theft. Nearly all your examples include the words “thought” and “misteaken,” Be sure before pulling the trigger. Mistakes cost the lives of the wrong people.

    Reply
    • SoJerSailor on September 25, 2019 at 8:37 pm

      No matter how fond you may be of them, the law does not allow you to defend your belongings with lethal force. The ONLY justification for shooting a person is that you believe LIFE to be in danger – yours or another innocent person’s. If you shoot and kill a thief who is stealing your stuff – but has not threatened any life – you will be charged with MURDER.

      Single exception – in the State of Texas, during dark hours.

      Reply
    • Jacob Paulsen on October 25, 2019 at 12:00 pm

      The IFDR concept isn’t about being a coward, it is about maximizing your odds of winning the fight. It is NOT a philosophy designed to make you an easy target, it IS a mindset designed to minimize the odds of you putting yourself at risk. It plays to a defensive mindset committed to surviving and protecting innocent people. If your mindset is all about serving justice no matter the cost then I agree IFDR isn’t for you… and in my opinion gun ownership may not be either.

      Reply
  2. David on September 27, 2019 at 9:33 am

    All are good ideas. I use a strong flashlight as I can control the light and am in its shadow cone when my arm is extended. I don’t stand directly behind the light in case it is fired upon .

    Reply
  3. Mike S. on January 9, 2022 at 8:32 pm

    My wife and I have a code that we use when we come home “NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS”. It’s worked. We haven’t shot each other.

    Reply
  4. Dr. Duke on January 4, 2025 at 12:28 pm

    Some of those “accidental” shooting stories are wild.
    The first one in Houston a man shoots and kills an “intruder” that turns out to be he son.
    He then takes his son’s body out to the woods and burns it.
    Later he contacts the sheriff and confesses.
    Here is the kicker.
    The shooter is an attorney.

    Reply
  5. Chad W. on January 4, 2025 at 1:53 pm

    The Closs kidnapping out of Wisconsin in 2018 is a perfect example of why you should stay with your family and not go looking for bad guys

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidnapping_of_Jayme_Closs

    Reply

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