3 “Completely Legitimate” Reasons Not to Carry a Handgun

Are you tired of the burden of personal protection? Do you long for the carefree days of relying on the kindness of strangers? Look no further than these three completely legitimate reasons not to carry a handgun.

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Reasons Your Shouldn't Carry a Gun-

Now I know some may think, isn't this a pro-gun website? aren't you in favor of owning firearms and the Second Amendment?

Well, I got to thinkin' about what His Excellency, Joe Biden, said about the Second Amendment. He expertly pointed out that those who think the Second Amendment had anything to do with defending against a tyrannical government that would unjustly prohibit the individual's constitutional freedoms needed a lot more than an AR-15 to defend against the American Military he would use to take away legally owned guns if Americans failed to register them. That gave me mucho confidence.

And I started rememberin' how I was told by lawmakers and fancy folk, that puttin' up them “no gun's allowed” signs in California did so much to stop criminals from using guns out there. I couldn't help but realize I had this thing all wrong. I mean, sure all the politicians, movie stars and professional athletes use private security armed with guns. But they are much more important. They need the protection and I don't.

And so, in an effort to right my wrongs, increase my social credit score, remove all the social media bans, be able to buy and sell, jump out of that ol' “basket of deplorables“, and enter civilized society like those who we see daily in the New York Subway and Los Angeles, I'll list my 3 reasons not to carry a Glock handgun weapon of war.

Reason 1: No Place to Hide It-

So, your job requires you to be in the nude, huh? Tough break. Who knew the world of nude modeling or extreme body painting would clash with your desire for personal safety? But fear not! You can always trust that your fellow naked colleagues will come to your defense should danger arise. After all, who needs clothes or concealed carry when you have the camaraderie of the naked workforce?

I've thought about this a lot, and realize that from time to time you may need to carry something like a wallet, keys, phone or your collectable Ruth Bater Ginsberg commemorative coin. In these cases, a fanny pack pairs well with your birthday suit.

If a fanny pack just isn't your thing, I hear this guy may provide instructions on how you can carry items in “more discrete ways”.

Reason 2: Self-Defense is Just Not Your Thing-

You know what's better than defending yourself and your loved ones? Trusting in the inherent goodness of strangers! In today's world, where people are just exceptionally kind, there's no need to worry about personal safety. Just stroll through life with a smile, knowing that if anything were to happen, the kindness of strangers will surely protect you. Who needs a gun when you have the warm embrace of humanity?

Whenever you want to be reminded just how kind and helpful people are, watch the news, or join a “mostly peaceful protest”.

A maniac attacked Elizabeth Gomes on a New York Subway in full view of others. Read about it here.

Reason 3: I Am A Good Person-

Ah, the classic “guns are bad, and I'm good” argument. Who needs the hassle of personal protection when you can maintain your sterling reputation as a non-gun owner? Because everyone knows that owning a gun automatically makes you a bad person, right? So, go ahead, turn in that firearm to your local law enforcement agency for a $50.00 Best Buy gift card, and bask in the moral superiority of not owning a firearm. Who needs security when you have virtue signaling?

After all, you know you're a good person, with exceptional morals, but what good is that if other people don't know it?

Alec Badwin is a good guy, and he wants everyone to know it. The criminal investigation into him shooting and killing a woman is ongoing.

In Conclusion:

These are only three reasons you shouldn't carry a firearm or even own one! I'm sure you can think of a lot more. Share your ideas in the comment section.

By sharing, we all can educate those poor, misguided rubes who, as one ancient Greek Philosopher said, “They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion…”.

Hopefully, by now you've realized that this article is satirical, and had a good laugh.

And, here is a link to a list of stories where people with firearms had to use a firearm to defend themselves against attackers.

If you are considering carrying a firearm for self-defense, a good place to start is understanding what legal, defensive deadly force is, and what it isn't. If you like Podcasts, check out the Concealed Carry Podcast where the hosts discuss the many facets of firearm ownership, self-defense and concealed carry.

About Matthew Maruster

I follow my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who is the eternal co-equal Son of God. I currently live in Columbus, Ohio with my wife and daughter. I served in the Marine Corps Infantry. I was a Staff Sergeant and served as a Platoon Sergeant during combat in Iraq. After I was a police officer at a municipal agency in San Diego County. I have a Bachelors's Degree in Criminal Justice from National University. MJ Maruster Defense.


  1. Clark Kent on February 21, 2024 at 10:29 pm

    Go to love how Bozo Joe claims citizens would need fighter jets instead of rifles in order to defeat U.S. military forces. But who had the fighter jets during the Vietnam war?

  2. David Siemens on February 29, 2024 at 4:42 am

    You could put your eye out or maybe blow off a toe or even a thumb.

  3. PX4CX4 on February 29, 2024 at 5:41 pm

    Geez, you forgot the most important reason. Guns–used in self-defense–often kill the most precious commodity gov’t has: Democrat-leaning voters committing “mostly peaceful” crimes.

    I think I just made a ludicrous conclusion! Their “votes” will still count anyway in many future elections. I’m such a dummy! Nevermind . . .

  4. Richard Tate on February 29, 2024 at 10:06 pm

    I love the “serious” article there. I have carried a weapon since I turned 17. I was in the Army at 17 in some foreign local that started with a “V”. I became a Law Enforcement Officer after my discharge and have carried both open and concealed since. After 40+ years, I feel almost naked without my weapon.

  5. Jetman on March 23, 2024 at 5:03 pm

    You left something out of your article! You forgot that one far left politician commented once that if a gunman were to realize that the people he was about to shoot were unarmed, that he would lay his weapon done and not shoot people. This is a very good point seeing as violent criminals will have the moral capacity to not shoot a room full of unarmed people.

  6. Grumpy 49 on March 23, 2024 at 5:23 pm

    Democrats have pushed gun control laws since the 1840’s. Back then it was to keep the free Blacks from stopping the Slave Catchers claims that they were escaped slaves, and were to be returned to their owners, Starting in the 1870’s, similar laws were passed to keep the newly freed slaves from resisting the newly created Democratic Voter Education organization, aka the KKK. Note how in the 1930’s Germany, how many of the Democrat policies were copied, with the “N” word changed to “JUDE”. In a twist, with the 1968 Firearm law, Democrat Senator Dodd (Senior) used his personal translated copy of the NAZI gun laws to create that law. When the FOIA request was finally answered in 1983, there was a word for word match between the 1968 gun law and the translation provided by the Army translator of Senator Dodd’s copy of the original NAZI gun law from when he was in Germany in 1945.

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